Wake Up

Posted on by kristiob

Wide awake on a Monday morning

Use to mean coffee with my father at 6am.

Wide awake on any day at work

Meant enough coffee to keep up with

Wide awake three year olds

Who are, as they dashed across the room after warning number two,

Wide awake without coffee or caffeine or a midday nap.

Miss Kristi, why do squirrels do that? And how do they climb?

Wide awake is questioning your world.

Not all 3 year old why questions are answered with because those are the rules

Wide awake is genuine answers to a three year old

I’m not sure…

Wide awake is knowing you don’t have answers

…but I can find out for you

Wide awake is wanting answers.

Wanting to know what the truth is and staying

Wide awake even when the truth isn’t ideal,

Even when the world

And life

And circumstance

Want you

Fast asleep.

Netflix and Song Lyrics

Posted on by kristiob

I texted you about
Not being pregnant
And I’m grasping at straws
Dragging this conversation out.

I fucked up
I know
I yelled in circles
About things that only connected
Inside my own mind because
I got a text from someone
About something that had
Nothing to do with
You.

I wanted a cigarette so bad after
That I googled
“How to make fire without
A lighter or matches”
And wondered if I could light one
On the stove downstairs.

I’m sorry
I don’t know how to accept what
You could’ve offered to me
I’m sorry
I didn’t want to
Give up the false sense of
Freedom in being single
For a chance at something good
I’m sorry
I don’t know how to risk my heart.

The first time I realized
I had feelings for you
I told you I didn’t
Made that explicitly clear
And panicked when I didn’t hear
From you
For hours.

The second time I realized
I had feelings for you
I told my roommate it’d be
Weird because
We were just friends
Well
Just friends who fuck.

But you don’t sleep with people
This often
Literally and
Figuratively when you’re
“Just friends.”

My roommate rolled her eyes
And told me
“That’s how it starts, man”
And that her boyfriend is
Her best friend
And
I know.

I knew it then
And I know it now
And
I bought you a valentines present
And
I almost left it outside your building
But
I cried instead.

If I gave it to you
Would you give it back?
Like the girl
You had a crush on in
Second grade?

I fucked up
Again
I know.

Heaven forbid
I give you any kind of
Single message.

Your first home game
Is on February 27th
Right?

I’m sorry
I fucked up
Again
I know.

Tell me how
To go back
To watching Netflix together
While we were miles apart.

Tell me how
To go back
To Blink lyrics
So I can tell you
Without saying the words
That I want another chance
To build
For the first time
(If it works out).

Please
Just
Tell me how
To go back.

How Do I Move On

Posted on by kristiob

How am I suppose to move on?
Please
Tell me.

How am I suppose to move on
When you are
And have been
And will be
Everywhere.

How am I suppose to move on
When I cannot mention your name
Without my boyfriend
Glancing at me sideways
Because even he knows
I once loved you.

How am I suppose to move on
When I’ve already moved on
And still think about you at night
When I know you’re awake
And not so happy with yourself.

How am I suppose to move on

Anxiety

Posted on by kristiob

I am not “just anxious”
I have anxiety.

I shake and turn red,
Cry and hyperventilate,
Pull on my hair and
Rock back
And forth

My head races over things
That have not happened
Will not happen
Have already happened
And nothing ever makes sense

None of it
Is normal.

Walking into a classroom
Should not be this hard
Raising my hand
Should not
Make me shake
Opening my mouth
To speak
And be heard
Should not make me sick

Do not tell me
This is normal.

I should not need a bottle of vodka
To say hello only to
Remember the next day and
Sit in my bed
And shake.

I should not have racing thoughts
So fast I can barely comprehend that
For some reason my mind
Thinks
I’m dying

I should not be able to drink
8 cups of coffee
And still have
My heart
Beat slower
Than when someone
Looks at me

Stop looking at me.

I will walk into a room
And
Want to rip out my own veins
While repeating under my breath
“Nobody cares
Nobody cares
Nobody cares”

This anxiety
Might
Be killing me

Or
Maybe this is just
Another
Panic attack.

Silence and Insecurities

Posted on by kristiob

This silence
Makes
My ears ring
My hands shake
My heart pound

This silence
Makes
My stomach turn
My thoughts race
My throat swell

Give me something
Anything
This silence
Makes me
Paranoid

Maybe I’m insecure
But
We talked about
This silence
And it’s still here

I thought about you
Last night
When I woke up from
A nightmare where(again)
You left

I checked my phone for
Some sign that
My nightmare
Wasn’t coming true and
Silence

I got drunk until  midnight
And woke up at
2, 4, 5, and 6am
Thinking only of you and
Silence

And now its been as many hours
As years you’ve been alive
And just this silence
And these insecurities
Fill my head

 Silence

Please Stop Texting Me

Posted on by kristiob

Please stop texting me
Please
I don’t want pictures of the bottle
Of liquor
You bought
To get over me
Please stop texting me
I’m sorry it didn’t work out
But I’m sorry
That’s not
On me.

I cannot handle
“I haven’t felt depressed
Since we started talking”
Because I have felt depressed
And you don’t want to hear that
But talking about my depression
And anxiety
Is what helped you
But heaven forbid I still be struggling
Because
Well
You’re fine

I can’t sleep because I can’t breathe because
Because
I don’t know why I can’t breathe but I can’t breathe
Okay?
I can’t breathe and I can’t handle
“I haven’t felt depressed
Since we started talking”
And I can’t handle
Your bottle of liquor
Unless I
Have my own.

I can’t handle your bottle of liquor
And I don’t have my own
So unless you’d like to share
So we can both drink
Until we throw up or pass out
But then
Look at that
It’s like we’re still together
And maybe that’s why
I can’t handle your bottle of liquor

Or maybe it’s because I know
You’re drinking
To kill inside your mind
Because your dad died a year ago this month
And a year ago this month we met
But this year, and this month
We died just like you hoped your mind would
Just like I still wish mine would when I get
Too far into a bottle

I have a drinking problem?
No you have a drinking problem
Well fuck you too then don’t talk to me tomorrow
That’s
The drinking problem.
We were
We are
A drinking problem

So please
The 4am pictures of an empty bottle
Make my skin crawl
And my mouth water
Because I am up at 4am because
I don’t have a bottle.

Please stop texting me.
But your late night texts
Are the only way I know you didn’t try to kill
Only
Inside
Your mind
So when you tell me at 4am that
You want to talk but
Don’t want to be a bother,
You’re not a bother because
I want you
Alive.

And so I’m sorry
I’m sorry to whoever I love after you
Because I did love you
And I will love after you
And I will
Not
Block your number
Because I need the pictures
And drunk text messages
To tell me
You’re alive.

I can’t handle
Your bottle of liquor
And I can’t handle
“I haven’t felt depressed
Since we started talking”
But
I can handle
Knowing
You’re alive.

Drinking

Posted on by kristiob

Getting drunk
Is starting to feel
More
And more
Regular.

Is sleep
Without alcohol
Sleep?

I’ve stopped
Slurring my words
And
Stumbling around

I have
16 empty beer bottles
And
One half full handle
And
I haven’t been
Sober
For one night
These past few weeks.

Mom asked why I had liquor
Next to my bed
And she dumped it out
But I had a new bottle
The very next day

My sister suggested
That maybe I cut back
And I promised I would
But I’m drunk
Again

My boyfriend is 21
And drinks nearly as much
But what were just jokes
About
Drying out
Have started to sound
More
Like
Strong suggestions
And the look
In his eyes
When I throw back a beer
Is that of a mother
Whose baby has started
Swinging just
A little
Too
High
On the swing set

But don’t worry
I’ve got this
I mean
I haven’t been sober
At any family function since
I came home from school
But
I’ve got this.

Don’t worry.

Sober

Posted on by kristiob

I wrote about you
When I got drunk.

Except
Now I’m sober
And I don’t remember writing it
But yesterday I was worried
About your friends remembering your birthday.

How could I hate you?

Can you hate someone
And hope they’re having a good day
And wonder if they’ve finally gotten help?

But your name still makes me shake.

Hearing your nearly silent footsteps
In my dorm room
Still
Makes me want
To drink so much
I throw up
Everything
I’ve ever felt
For you.

I think I hate you?

You ripped me apart
And then cried
To her
That everyone leaves.

I left
Because
I
Was
In
Pieces.

I would’ve drank gasoline
And set myself on fire
To keep you warm.

And you would’ve let me.

I think I hate you.

It’s Not In The Syllabus

Posted on by kristiob

“You’re young;
You have plenty
Of time to decide
What to do
With the rest
Of your life”

Do I?

16 years old
And colleges are receiving
Scores
And colleges are sending
Letters
Pamphlets
E-mails

The mailbox is overflowing

17 years old
And colleges are receiving
More scores
And letters back
But it keeps coming
More letters
More pamphlets
More e-mails
When did I sign up for this?

17 years old
And questions
What’s my major?
Where am I applying?
Early-decision
Early-action
What’s the difference?
Why are they asking
For money
Already?
Housing deposit?
I applied?
How do I apply?

Where did you visit?
How will you decide?
How will you pay for it?
What’s your GPA?
SAT scores?
ACT scores?
Transcript?
AP classes?

Why didn’t you take more AP classes?

Why don’t you ask
How I am doing?
Because it’s not good.
I am not fine.
My mailbox
Is full
Of letters.
And my mind
Is overflowing
With questions
And concerns
That aren’t answered
On the college’s FAQ page.

I am 18
And a full time student
And away from home
And I want to know
Where I belong

But
That’s not in the
Syllabus.

Professor
Please
Do I belong here?
I read the syllabus
I looked online
The answer
Isn’t in
The textbook.

My hands shake.
I tried coffee
But I’m going through
Eight cups a day
And my mind is still dull.

My hands shake.
I bought a bottle
I finished my homework
So now
We drink
Cheers!
I have an 8am tomorrow
But I can’t sleep
Unless my blood
Is flammable
Unless I leak
Vodka
From my pores.

My hands shake.
Who has Xanax?
I need a prescription
Where do I get a prescription?
Who has Xanax?

My hands shake
My skin crawls
My stomach is in knots
My head pounds

I call my mother
And smile on the phone
And clench my jaw
And squeeze my eyes shut
And hope she doesn’t hear
The tears in my voice
Hope she doesn’t hear
My voice shake
Like my hands are.

I call my boyfriend back home
And I hear the smile
When he picks up
And think about
The last time I saw him
And laughing
And can’t remember
If I’ve laughed since then
And cry
And he can tell
And I feel dumb
Because I just called him
To cry on the phone
For half an hour
And couldn’t tell him why

I don’t know why

Why are my hands shaking
Why does my head race
Why don’t I care
Why can’t I manage to write a paper
Why
Why
Why
Why am I here

Why am I here?
Professor?
It’s not in the syllabus.